The Righteous & The Wicked (dongo_casbah) wrote,
The Righteous & The Wicked

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So today I did something that really wasn't easy. I had to say goodbye to Nicole. Really say goodbye. Who knows when we will talk again, but I couldn't keep going on like this. I still am very much attached and connected to her and if I am going to be able to get over this I have to sever the ties. She was going to visit NJ this week and now I dont think she will because of what I said. I just told her that I wasnt ok with her sleeping at mine or Daniels house. But it really doesnt bother me who she wants to hang out with. I am in no means trying to control anyone or anything, but this is all still so recent and if she wants me to just get over her then I am going to need this space. Things are still so sensative in so many ways and I already miss her so much. I couldn't stop crying after I got off the phone with her. It was so hard to tell her goodbye. These past three months have been so crazy. I have had so many distractions to keep me away from this. But now that I am facing it, it has been so hard. I never let how the break-up made me feel "in." All of these posts before with me saying I dont feel the same and dont care about her...all of it was just lying to myself to try run away from the pain. Thats exactly what Marina was to me. Just a distraction. A rebound. And now I am letting in all of the feelings that I tried to hard to push out. I just wish I didn't have to deal with it in Japan.

So many things that I think and feel, its just so much to space out. What will I feel like when I get home? What do I do with myself now? How am I supposed to put these feelings to rest? and so on. All of these things is why I need my space. I also realize that typing in this journal out in the open like this is not the best method to try and distance myself from her because she can just as easily log into this thing. But I don't know, I feel that I don't have too many other places to just flat out vent and collect my thoughts and this has always served as some kind of emotional marker for me so Its a risk I suppose I will have to take. There is just so much that I cant understand. I am trying my best to understand and, above all else, accept, but its going to take time. She told me that she didnt weigh all the variables when thinking about making a trip out there and so I know she is not intentionally trying to stir the pot. Thats why I talked to her about this openly and honestly.

Things between her are a fucking mess right now. Her exact words were "Every time I talk to you you make me want to pull my hair out." Despite how badly hearing something like that makes me feel, it also goes to show that me and her should stay away from each other.

I know there are going to be times where I am going to feel very compelled to talk to her. I miss her so much already. But really have to be strong when those moments come. I have to be strong through all of this. I know that there are going to be so many times when I go home that I am going to be reminded of her. I still love her so much and it is so hard to believe that she doesn't love me. But as my mom told me, if things are really over between us, then I just have to let it be over. I needed to cut the chord and thats what I did. It's just now I can't stop thinking where I go from here? Especially when I go back to NJ. I know this sounds stupid, but I am afraid everything will remind me of her. Especially in the fall. I don't know why. I did what I had to do and I just have to figure out where to go from here. Thats what I need the space for, so I can stop feeling the way I do right now. Thinking about her just hurts so badly and I can't even keep myself together sometimes. I know in time this will all change, I just hope it comes quickly. But I know that I play just as much of a role in that as time itself does.

I feel like I have so much more I want to say and write, and perhaps I will afterwards. But I think thats all I have in me for right now.

And its so ironic. Today would have been our 5th year anniversary...But I had to say goodbye.

again...I will end this with a song. This song always makes me think of her and me cry. I don't think I will listen to this song again for a while after this point. It's from Pete and Pete...

"Everywhere" - Polaris

I put your photograph away
I can't look at you today
I put your letters upstairs
But it's no good because you're everywhere

I can try to hide,
But why waste my time?

You left your glasses behind
And somebody said you were doing fine
I play a game, but you're not there
But it's no good, because you're everywhere

I can try to hide,
But why waste my time?
Center round of you
Everything I do says you're everywhere

I hear a song that you sang
It hits my head like a circus train
I cried out when you were there
You were there because you're everywhere

I can try to hide
But why waste my time?
Center round of you,
everything I do
I can try to hide
But why waste my time?
Center round in me,
Everything I see says you're everywhere

Goodbye Nicole...
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